Column: Just like Uncle Herschel, the post office drive-thru mailbox is back

Dear readers,

Sometimes even I am amazed at the power of my No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil. Over the years, my awesome columns written with it have achieved great things.

I successfully did away with those annoying “one way” aisles at Walmart and even renamed Shelbyville’s iconic modern art sculpture as “The Helbing.”  But even I was surprised at my success at bringing back the convenient drive-thru mailbox at our local post office.

I can’t take all the credit. Loyal reader Mary Eads first alerted me to the problem. Jeff and Johnny at GIANT fm published Mary’s photograph and my column in the Shelby County Post and delivered it through the ether to everyone’s email box.

But the magic all starts when the tip of my No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil touches my yellow legal pad.

All those thoughts were running through my mind as I passed out free peppermints to all the grateful loyal readers who were once again mailing letters from the comfort of their automobiles.

I could go on and on, but instead I’ll share with you one of the thank you notes I received in the mail.

Dear Kris,

A special thank you from myself and the entire membership of the “Pez Dispenser Collectors Club of Shelby County.”

I was going to cancel our annual fall soiree if I had to get out of my car and deposit the invitations in that mailbox located inconveniently at the front of our local post office. 

I had been a mental wreck ever since the drive-thru mailbox was removed. I thought it was probably just the beginning of the end. I have always considered the invention of the drive-thru to be America’s greatest contribution to the civilized world.

I was having recurring nightmares. In those awful dreams, everywhere I went the drive-thru option was gone. I had to get out of my car for all the necessities of life including coffee, fast food, and cigarettes. 

Also, thanks for the peppermint and helping me put stamps on the invitations. I probably should have put the stamps on the envelopes before stopping at the drive-thru to mail them.

I could tell by the honking and hand gestures that some of the drivers in line behind me were getting a little upset with how much time I was taking. 

Thanks again,

Anonymous

P.S. Did you have a hand in bringing Uncle Herschel back to the Cracker Barrel sign? Also, I thought it was best to remain anonymous. I don’t want any of those inpatient people to complain about me on Facebook

Dear Anonymous,

Years ago, when the drive-thru was first invented, a writer who went by the non-de-plume of “Lazy Eddie,” published a book titled, “Lazy Eddie’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior at the Drive-Thru.”

I can’t find my copy. So, I’m not sure if your faux pas of holding up the line while you put stamps on the envelopes you were mailing was specifically mentioned. However, there was a chapter titled, “Don’t Hold Up the Line.”

As far as Uncle Herschel is concerned, I was getting ready to write a column complaining about Cracker Barrel removing him from their sign.  Unfortunately, he has already returned. 

If only I had written that column a little faster, I would have taken credit. 

I guess timing is everything.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.