Awesome TikTok column

Dear readers,

If you are a member of “the greatest generation” or a fellow “baby boomer,” you might not be familiar with TikTok. 

I'm not quite sure when TikTok entered our collective consciousness, but one minute it's a Chinese conspiracy, and the next, every kid with a smartphone has an opinion and a dance video.

Chinese conspiracy? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s like an onion; the more layers you peel, the more you want to cry.

Anyway, TikTok is like one of my columns, but for youngsters with attention spans as fleeting as a Shelbyville summer breeze.

So, in a bid to bridge the generational gap, here's my version of TikTok in text form — a series of very short, seemingly random observations. 

Fetterman Couture — Shelbyville teenagers have adopted the sartorial style of U.S. Senator John Fetterman. With the mercury hovering at zero degrees, they all wait on the bus coatless, bareheaded, and wearing shorts.

TikTok Challenge — Lick The Helbing for good luck whenever the temperature is below 20 degrees.

Pardon — In the grand theater of American politics, the presidential pardon is like the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card. It's a tradition as old as the republic itself, and every outgoing president seems to have a list of folks they want to give a second chance. But this time around, the pardons were piling up faster than the empty baby oil bottles at a Diddy afterparty.

Chinese Conspiracy — In between seemingly innocent TikTok dance videos, subliminal passages from Mao’s little red book are flashed on the screen. 

Louie Louie — In order to protect American youth, the U.S. Congress almost unanimously agreed to ban TikTok. The vote was reminiscent of the time the song “Louie Louie” by The Kingsmen was banned in the 1960s to prevent my moral decay.

Lyrics — A kid at Morrison Park taught us the lyrics to Louie Louie.  His version turned out to be much worse than The Kingsmen’s version that was banned.

Pardons — Old Joe got a head start, working his way through death row inmates and finally down to his relatives. It was like watching a game of Monopoly where everyone gets a "Get Out of Jail Free" card, and the board is littered with pardons.

Pardons 2.0 — Meanwhile, The Donald saw Joe's pardons and told Kid Rock to hold his Bud Light. Before we knew it, the pardons were coming at us like confetti at a New Year's Eve party.

Fashion Faux Pas! — Senator Fetterman showed up to the inauguration looking like he had just rolled out of bed. Too cold for the event to be outside, but Fetterman arrived in his trademark shorts and hoodie.

Mars or Bust — Then there was Elon Musk at that event, waving like he was a kid at a parade. Was he giving the Nazi salute or just waving to some other billionaire in the audience? Sometimes I wonder whether he’s just misunderstood or one algorithmic misstep away from becoming a supervillain.

At the end of the day, TikTok is just another way for people to share their thoughts — whether profound, bizarre or downright silly. Just like "A View from My Schwinn," it's a window into the human psyche, but faster, less edited and with more cat videos.

So, here's to the next generation of attention-deficit storytellers. May their narratives be short and sweet, and may they forever entertain us in 60-second increments.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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