A Revolution in Comfort: General Washington’s dream of Mattress Sales

Dear readers,

Tomorrow, we celebrate George Washington’s birthday.

It is a federal holiday. The official name of the holiday is “Washington’s Birthday.” 

Like Cher, Elvis, and Liberace, Washington can be identified by a single name. Known as the “Father of Our Country,” his name can be found almost everywhere. Most cities, including Shelbyville, have a Washington Street.

I learned all about George Washington in school. The teacher set up a little machine that told the story with still photographs flashed on the classroom wall. An LP spinning simultaneously on the phonograph told the story to go with the photographs shown on the wall.

The teacher knew when to crank up the next photograph when a loud “beep” sound came from the record player.

The story as told by the film strip covered Washington as a boy chopping down the cherry tree and famously telling his father, “I cannot tell a lie.”

Washington grew up to be an athlete who once threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. 

The film strip shown in school ended with Washington becoming our first president.  We never learned how his birthday came to be synonymous with mattress sales. I’m not sure anyone really knows the answer.

Here is a folklore version.  Enjoy!

Picture it: the frozen wasteland of Valley Forge, a sea of snow and despair. The Continental Army, led by the indomitable General George Washington, huddled around feeble fires, shivering in their threadbare coats.

The scene is one of grim determination and relentless hardship. Washington himself, staring into the flickering flames, couldn’t help but let his mind wander to warmer thoughts.

Little did he know he was on the cusp of inspiring the most ironic of tributes: the grand tradition of Presidents' Day mattress sales.

Amidst the biting cold and the howling winds, Washington mused, "If only we had a few more supplies. Maybe some proper food, some extra blankets ... a decent mattress wouldn’t hurt either."

He imagined his men, lying on the plush memory foam of pillowtop mattresses.

Fast forward a couple of centuries and behold! Washington's birthday has transformed into Presidents' Day, a holiday synonymous with unbeatable deals on mattresses.

It’s as if the American Revolution wasn't just about freedom from tyranny but also about the pursuit of a good night's sleep. Washington's vision of liberty now comes with a free set of pillows with every queen-sized purchase.

The mattress, now a symbol of patriotic comfort, stands as a testament to how far we've come from the days of roughing it in the wilderness. No longer are Americans bound to the unforgiving ground.

Instead, we recline in luxury, thanks to the countless sales honoring our founding father. It’s as if each coil in those spring mattresses represents a step toward independence, each layer of memory foam a nod to the resilience and spirit of the revolutionaries.

Washington's dreams of freedom now cushioned by a mattress as soft as victory itself. The hardships of Valley Forge are but a distant memory, replaced by the plush, pillow-topped comfort of modern convenience. Who knew that the road to freedom would be paved with memory foam and spring-loaded coils?

Imagine the Continental Army's resilience like the firmness of a Sleep Number mattress dialed up to 95, unyielding yet comfortable. The burning desire for independence akin to the warmth of a Climate360 Smart Bed on a cold winter’s night.

And Washington’s leadership — steadfast and supportive, much like the perfect ergonomic Tempur-Pedic bed, providing the backbone to a nation’s dreams.

So, this Presidents' Day, as you shop for that perfect mattress, take a moment to honor the absurdly delightful notion that General George Washington, in his wildest dreams, might have foreseen a nation so free that its citizens could celebrate his legacy by indulging in comfort.

After all, what's more American than finding freedom in a good night's sleep, courtesy of a fantastic sale? 

Thank you, General Washington, for freeing us from the bootheel of the King and for getting us a good deal on a great mattress!

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.

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