Column: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Dear readers,

Our beloved stainless-steel enigma, The Helbing, is gone.

Once standing tall like a greeter at Walmart, The Helbing welcomed all to Shelbyville as they crossed the bridge on N. Harrison Street. Soon hopefully, it will once again stand tall in Blue River Memorial Park.

Now it has met a fate eerily similar to Humpty Dumpty’s.

The Helbing lies in pieces at Blue River Memorial Park, looking less like a triumphant modern art installation and more like the remains of a pipe factory hit by a tornado. Naturally, this has stirred as much controversy as the post office removing the convenient drive-thru mailbox.    

Let’s dive into the mailbag, where one concerned citizen is really taking this personally.

Dear Kris,

I’m currently on hour four of my hunger strike to protest the removal of The Helbing. I chose this method of protest because, let’s be honest, skipping a few meals wouldn’t hurt me. But I’m struggling. There’s a bag of Fritos on my counter, and the chips are whispering to me. At first, it was just faint rustling, but now I swear I hear them chanting, "Eat us … you know you want to … resistance is futile."

UPDATE: The hunger strike is officially over. The Fritos won.

Now, onto the substance of the matter: I rented my apartment at The Mill specifically for its breathtaking view of The Helbing.  I loved waking up every morning and looking out on that masterpiece. I realize that some don’t appreciate the beauty of The Helbing. But now, my view is a sad concrete circle where The Helbing once stood.

Since my willpower lasted about as long as a snowman in July, I need a new form of protest. Kris, someone told me that you once played a lawyer on an old-timey radio show. Can I withhold my rent? I’m already pretty skilled at ignoring bills. My credit score is basically a cautionary tale, so this feels like a natural fit.

Also, do you know if the city plans to replace The Helbing, or will they leave that concrete slab as a memorial, like the world’s saddest zen garden?

Name Withheld (Because I Don’t Need Shelbyville Judging Me More Than It Already Does)

Dear Anonymous,

First, let me clarify: Yes, I am a lawyer. When I went to law school at IU our most famous law school alumnus, Hoagy Carmichael, was still among the living. Hoagy and his piano are still on the campus in Bloomington, but they have turned to bronze.

It has been far too many years since I took the class “Withholding Rent in Protest, Its Allure and Impossibility,” to give you an opinion.

I asked the crowd at Willie Farkle’s and the consensus was that you should pay more rent with The Helbing gone. You now have a clear view of the Blue Agave Mexican Grill and Bar which is much better.

I guess you better hope the landlord of The Mill doesn’t read my column or your rent might be going up. You might be living in a van down by the river.

As for The Helbing’s current state, lying in pieces like a jigsaw puzzle designed by a mad scientist, some say it’s an improvement.

One loyal reader (who may or may not have been sipping something strong at Willie Farkle’s) pointed out that its official name is Blue River-Wind, Rain and Water. She argued that now, scattered across the park, it finally lives up to its name, looking like a tornado had a one-night stand with a scrap metal yard. 

She then asked me if I knew what a Kentucky divorce and a tornado have in common? 

Answer: With either one, someone is bound to lose a trailer.

As for what will replace The Helbing? No one knows for sure. Rumor has it local artist Bill Stafford is still working on his sculpture titled WTF (Water, Trees, and Flowers).

With golf carts now legal on city streets, I’m told he may add one to his sculpture. It features a family out for a Sunday drive complete with the baby driving, wearing only a diaper and smoking a cigar.

But take that with a grain of salt. Or a Frito.

See you next week — same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.