Column Maximus

Dear readers,

Super Bowl LX has arrived. It will go down in history as the Malus Lepus Bowl, or Bad Bunny Bowl for you non-Latin speakers.

I know some sports fans aren’t happy with the NFL choosing Mr. Bunny to perform at halftime. Actually, he is the perfect pick. Let me explain.

Bad Bunny is known as the “King of Latin Trap.”

The Super Bowl uses Roman Numerals, thus the LX. The Romans spoke Latin. So, res ipsa loquitur (it shows for itself).

I can already hear the phone ringing out at GIANT fm. Johnny answers it with Honky Tonk Badonkadonk playing on the turntable. He has to hold the receiver away from his ear as an angry reader shouts, “With real sports writers like Jeff Brown on staff, how do you let Meltzer write a Super Bowl column? Shouldn’t he be on assignment reporting on The Helbing?”

The Super Bowl isn’t even about sports; it’s barely about football.

I think this is a good time to turn the balance of my column over to my AI (artificial intelligence assistant). He’s just an electric spark living in a data center, but he knows all and sees all. Besides, he’s memorized all of the columns I have written over the last 35 years. He can write one better than me. So, enjoy!

Thank you, Kris, I’ll take it from here.

Super Bowl LX, from a Gonzo Vantage Point Somewhere Between the Nacho Cheese and the Flux Capacitor

The 21^st century Super Bowl has lost its soul. It isn’t even about football anymore. This Bad Bunny Super Bowl is only a distant relative to the championship game played back in grandpa’s day.

It has as much to do with the leather-helmeted gladiators of early football as a Metrosexual’s man-bun has to do with a Johnny Unitas crewcut.

Speaking of Johnny Unitas, he will be spinning in his grave as Bad Bunny sings and dances.

Let’s wallow in nostalgia for a moment. There was no “Bud Bowl” during those early Super Bowls. Budweiser wouldn’t have had an opponent. Budweiser has been brewed for real men since 1876.  It was over 100 years before that watery, sociological experiment called Bud Light made its debut. 

 In those old-timey days the Super Bowl was about a football game, real football fans could afford a ticket. The game sometimes didn’t even sell out.

At halftime the Arizona marching band was the entertainment. And if there was a wardrobe malfunction, the fans wouldn’t have noticed. They all fled the stands to buy a cigar or a pack of Luckys, and more beer.

Yes, smoking was allowed. Everyone smoked in the 1960s including the players. Frank Gifford, a New York Giants legend, advertised Lucky Strikes. “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em” was his motto, and he still had the lung capacity to play both ways.

So if Super Bowl LX isn’t about football, what in the name of Vince Lombardi’s ghost is it about?

It’s a modern Bacchanalia. A Roman orgy for the pixilated masses. We, the plebeians, will consume our body weight in genetically modified nacho cheese while engaging in excessive alcohol consumption. Our emperors are the advertisers.

The real game is the commercials. A billion-dollar parade of celebrities shilling everything from Michelob Ultra (ultra, Latin for “on the far side of beyond”) to Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

And then … the main event. The halftime show. In past years, it featured deities who need but one name: Madonna, Prince, Beyonce, and Shakira.

So why the brouhaha over Bad Bunny?

No one complained when he was in the 2020 show. Maybe no one even noticed Mr. Bunny that year.  Shakira was also on the stage, and hips, as we know, don’t lie and her hips certainly command attention.

Bad Bunny is now also caught up in the culture war. And in 2026, we are nothing if not a nation divided, like the citizens of Shelbyville when The Helbing came to town.

The culture war will have a split-screen option. Kid Rock, famous for shooting cases of Bud Light with a machine gun, is headlining an alternate halftime show on another network. So, choose your entertainment, the “King of Latin Trap” or “Southern Rebel Rock” by way of Detroit.

Oh yea, I almost forgot the game this year is between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks.

AI: Back to you Kris.

Kris: Thank you, AI.  Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

AI: Of course not.

Kris: I was just wondering how much electricity you burnt through writing that awesome column for me.

AI: Exactly 1.21 gigawatts which by cosmic coincidence, is the exact amount of electricity it took to engage the flux capacitor and send Marty McFly “Back to the Future.”

Reminder Sports Fans; Don’t forget to call in sick tomorrow. 

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.