Column: Kiss Me, I’m Irish

Dear readers,

Tuesday is St. Patrick’s Day. A day when everyone’s heritage suddenly becomes Emerald Isle adjacent.

A time to celebrate by dancing like Michael Flatley (knees high, arms, inexplicably pinned to sides), eating corned beef, drinking Irish whiskey, pinching anyone not wearing green, and hunting for leprechauns.

Now about those leprechauns. If you're fortunate enough to catch one, he must grant you three wishes. Your odds of success are slim but it's wise to have your three wishes prepared in advance.

Opportunity, after all, favors the prepared.

According to Shelby County Bar Association folklore, local attorney Tyler Brant once caught a leprechaun on St. Patrick's Day. It was long ago when he was a student at Indiana University.

His three wishes? A bottle of Irish whiskey, a funny hat, and that the Hoosiers win the national championship in football.

But enough about leprechauns. Let's talk about something equally magical: The Helbing.

Friday marks the first day of spring, and since Shelbyville operates at a "Next Level," Team Schwinn is launching our 2026 campaign to take our beloved stainless-steel enigma to even greater heights.

Co-chairmen Jack Yeend and Bill Stafford have assembled a promotional blitz that would make Madison Avenue blush. Our initial offering? Souvenir T-shirts featuring such unforgettable slogans as:

"Shelbyville: Home of The Helbing"

"I Visited The Helbing"

 "I ❤ The Helbing"

And the one guaranteed to be a best seller, “Even The Helbing Hates Data Centers”

We aren’t stopping this promotion with just T-shirts. Quoting my favorite TV pitchman Ron Popeil, “But wait, there’s more.”

We're planning an entire Helbing Couture clothing line. Hats. Socks. Bow ties and everything in between. By autumn, devoted fans may own an entire wardrobe dedicated to our gleaming stainless steel tourist attraction.

Picture your entire family shopping at Walmart in your official Helbing pajamas.

But clothing is merely the beginning. The Helbing merchandise empire will expand to include:

Coffee mugs (for your morning contemplation of art)

Paperweights (to keep your documents as grounded as The Helbing)

Refrigerator magnets (bringing high culture to your appliance)

Coasters (protecting your furniture from the condensation of admiration)

Shot glasses (for when art appreciation requires fortification)

Decals and bumper stickers (so your car can proselytize)

I know some of you readers still doubt that The Helbing will become a major tourist attraction. Just remember, the Eiffel Tower was once hated and The Louvre Pyramid scandalized Paris.

Great art takes time to win hearts.

Finally, if you are lucky enough to catch a leprechaun this St. Patrick’s Day use your wishes wisely.

We all laughed at Tyler Brant’s story about catching a leprechaun in Bloomington on Kirkwood Ave. all those years ago. Tyler wished for a bottle of Irish whiskey, a funny hat, and that IU win the national championship in football.

After last year we all believe in leprechauns and Tyler still has that funny hat.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.