Column: All the livelong day

Dear readers,

I’ve been stuck in traffic on State Road 44 all the livelong day waiting to get on the interstate. This traffic jam is caused by North State Road 9 being closed while they are working on the railroad.

Lucky for you, loyal readers, I had my No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil with me. I jotted down my thoughts on a couple of Taco Bell napkins that were handy.

So, here is a little stream of my consciousness. 

Enjoy!

The scent of cotton candy tangled with mothballs is tickling my nose. The oddly nostalgic perfume can only mean one thing: a fresh batch of fiberglass insulation is ready to come out of the oven at Knauf.

I've heard folks grumble about the occasional waft of Knauf drifting over town. But personally, I don’t find it offensive. Perspective is everything.

Back in the days when CertainTeed baked fiberglass, located just west of town was Bausback Corp. It was a rendering plant located along Old Franklin Road.

Bausback trucks hauling dearly departed farm animals through town with their hooves peeking out over the trucks bed were a regular sight. During times when Shelbyville was downwind from the plant the odor was unforgettable.

Trying to describe the stench of a rendering plant is like trying to put words to the sound of a broken violin. It’s far worse than whatever you're imagining. Compared to that, Knauf’s fiberglass aroma might as well be lavender.

Of course, if you grew up near Morristown, where Klosterman’s Bakery makes the whole town smell like Grandma’s house at Thanksgiving, your nasal nostalgia might not welcome Knauf’s contribution.

Enough about Shelbyville’s symphony of smells, it’s time to move on.

Crypto tip of the week: Forget Bored Ape Yacht Club NFTs. The Arctic Pablo Meme Coin is taking over faster than a squirrel at a bird feeder.

You know the saying, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” made famous by the Nobel prize winning economist Milton Friedman? Well, this summer, Shelbyville Central Schools are once again proving him wrong. Lunch is free for anyone 18 and younger at several spots around town.

Fireworks, once the star of July 4th alone, now seem to be a year-round pastime. Don’s Fireworks must be running a thriving empire, because in some neighborhoods, the celebration never stops. I half expect to see Santa riding a bottle rocket by December.

On a different front, Walmart is undergoing a makeover. While I’m fascinated by Sam Walton’s retail empire, I even made the pilgrimage to Bentonville. I have a few humble suggestions for corporate HQ:

• Scrap the Subway sandwich shop. If it isn’t Walmart, it doesn’t belong.
• Bring back the Walmart snack bar or, better yet, install a giant lunch counter, Woolworth-style.
• Fresh caramel corn like Murphy’s at Eastgate? Popcorn like Hill’s in Columbus? Make every trip to Walmart special.
• And while you’re at it, put the hyphen back in Wal-Mart where it rightfully belongs.

Oh, and one last thing for the self-checkout bosses, let customers round up for a local charity, not just the one Walmart picks. After all, if we're doing the work of cashiering, we should get some say in where our pennies land.

That’s a wrap for this week.

See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.