Dear readers,
Better rest up next week because this coming weekend is filled with exciting things to do. And I’m not including the ever-popular bike ride out to Blue River Memorial Park to see The Helbing.
Waldron's Fourth of July celebration is the kind of event that would make Norman Rockwell weep with joy. It would be perfect for a Saturday Evening Post cover.
Farm tractors chugging down Main Street pulling wagons decked out in enough patriotic bunting to embarrass Betsy Ross. Kids perched on hay bales alternate between hurling candy and spraying unsuspecting spectators with squirt guns. It is America's next generation learning early about the delicate balance between diplomacy and warfare.
This slice of pure Americana began in 1951, when the entertainment committee (Paul and Mary Stafford and Mark and Katherine Rick) somehow convinced an entire town that watching farm equipment roll by constituted entertainment. And the crowd grows bigger every year.
Back in the 60s, we kids were bribed into participation with the holy trinity of childhood currency: coupons that could be used to purchase hot dogs, pop, and popcorn at the end of the parade.
If you didn't make the cut for the Little League float, you could still join the procession by decorating your Schwinn with enough crepe paper to make it look like a bicycle-shaped fireworks explosion.
Years later, in the 1990s, when both me and my column were much younger, I formed the "View From My Schwinn Precision Drill Team." It consisted of a group of loyal readers who tried some intricate maneuvers but mostly concentrated on avoiding the road apples left by parade horses.
This year's Waldron festivities are both Friday and Saturday and feature all the classics:
A hay bale throwing competition (because nothing says "freedom" like hurling agricultural products)
A car show (for when you need a break from looking at tractors)
The ever-popular gun raffle (a tradition dating back to when Mr. Trotter’s shop class was less about 3D printers and more about "creative gunsmithing")
Saturday night everyone is treated to the best fireworks show ever!
But hold your horses, Waldron isn't the only show in the county this Saturday. As President Trump would say, Shelbyville is hosting a YUGE event, the Indiana Derby. The hats are big, the mint juleps are cold, and the only thing faster than the thoroughbreds are the ATM withdrawals from overconfident bettors.
It's a spectacle of bow ties and fascinators, where the call of the bugler sends shivers down spines and the thunder of hooves is the most exciting two minutes in the world.
This year's lineup features eight premier races, including the $300,000 Indiana Derby. It looks like up to six horses who competed in this year’s Triple Crown races will be in the race.
So, whether you're dodging squirt guns in Waldron or playing the ponies in Shelbyville, this weekend promises enough excitement to make even Uncle Sam crack a smile.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to oil my Schwinn's chain and practice my parade wave. Waldron’s favorite son, Jack Yeend, will be joining me on my tandem in this year’s parade. (Maybe)
If anyone posts "There's nothing to do this weekend" on Facebook, forward them my awesome column.
See you next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.
