Dear readers,
Let’s get straight to the mailbag.
I always say mailbag, but here in the 21st century the messages also arrive by email, text, Facebook message, and sometimes a note written on a cocktail napkin placed under the windshield wiper of my car.
Hey Kris,
Two topics dominated last week’s intellectual symposium at Willie Farkle’s.
Topic one was your lucky winning bet at the Indiana Derby.
Everyone knows that you always write your column with a No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil. You mention it almost as often as you mention The Helbing. But last week’s column claiming you bet on the horse ridden by jockey John Velazquez because his very first big win in America was the Ticonderoga Stakes seemed a bit farfetched.
I’m sure you realize that some folks think you just make stuff up.
Well, those doubting Thomases need to think again. Someone looked it up in a sports record book similar the one Biff had in “Back to The Future.”
Sure enough, in 1990 Velazquez did win his first stakes race at the Aqueduct in New York, and it was the Ticonderoga Handicap.
Topic two was the removal of the drive-thru mailbox at the back of the Post Office. Having to get out of the car at our local post office just to mail a letter has sparked more outrage than that stupid Bud Light commercial.
It’s hard telling what Kid Rock would do if he lived in Shelbyville, probably go postal!
After a couple rounds of discussion, we came up with an idea. We think our town Shelbyville would finally become “Next level” if you can just help us make our idea a reality.
We know you can do it. Someone remembered that you solved the hated the “one-way” aisles at Walmart. After writing about it in your column, the very next week, Walmart removed those stupid direction arrows from the floor.
Getting Walmart to change showed the awesome power of the press. Let’s see what you can do with the USPS.
Here is the idea: Put a mailbox inside of Willie Farkle’s.
We figure if you must get out of your car anyway, you might as well have a beer.
If you can get that done, we will all become cheerleaders for The Helbing, just like you.
Sincerely,
Paladin
Dear Paladin,
Your father must have been a fan of the old TV show “Have Gun Will Travel.” I don’t know why more boys weren’t named Paladin.
A few years later, when the nighttime soap opera “Dynasty” was popular there was a spike in little boys named Blake and girls named Krystle.
Your name distracted me for a moment, let’s get back on task.
I like your idea. Taking the mail to the post office would cease to seem like a chore. At the end of the day, the answer to the question, who’s taking the mail would have no shortage of volunteers from employees at a local business.
I’ll see what I can do, but the USPS is even bigger than Walmart. Also, I hate to admit this, but I’ve always suspected that it was just a coincidence that Walmart ended the one-way aisles the week after my column was published.
On the other hand, I also did write a column complaining about the grifters pretending to be charities hanging out around the Walmart exits. I’ve noticed they are all gone now.
So maybe soon there will be a official USPS mailbox next to the jukebox at Farkle’s, where Kid Rock plays on an eternal loop.
See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.
