Column: Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo

Dear readers,

Last week, Jeff and Johnny gave me the plum assignment of reporting on “Cow-Palooza.”

I sharpened my No. 2 Ticonderoga pencil, hopped on my trusty Schwinn and started peddling toward Waldron.

My destination was Bruce and Shoshanna Everhart’s farm -- a/k/a “Everhart Herefords.” Several hours later I arrived.  Waldron was further away than I remembered. I probably should have put more air in my tires.

I skillfully maneuvered my Schwinn through the sea of pickup trucks parked in the barnyard and put my kickstand down next to the hospitality barn.

Bruce and Shoshanna’s daughter, Jordan England, was the official greeter. She could tell I was in need of some nourishment from my bike ride and suggested I might want some refreshments.

Jordan’s daughter, Ruby, had me sign the guest book. Ruby asked me if I was interested in purchasing a heifer today. If so, she said I should take a look at “Udderly Fabulous,” a heifer that was too shy to pose for a photo in the program. Ruby said Udderly had an awesome pedigree and was sired by the prize-winning bull “Big Rig.”

I had to confess that although my father and grandfather had been farmers that I was just a city slicker ace news reporter sent from GIANT fm to cover her grandparents’ “Cow-Palooza.” 

Ruby’s sister, Evan, noted that with my bow tie, I did resemble an old-timer version of Jimmy Olsen from The Daily Planet.

As Evan was telling me a funny cow anecdote, my mind began to wander. I was distracted by the smorgasbord or “borgasmord” as pronounced by child star and cute little cretin Mason Reece in the Underwood Ham TV commercial in the 1970s. 

When she noticed I was no longer paying attention, Evan said two of my favorite words, “help yourself.” 

Cow was the theme, and I loaded my plate with everything from beef jerky to Cheese Whiz. I paired it all with a vintage bottle of Choc-Ola. 

Red Bull might give you wings, but Choc-Ola gives you “cow power.” It says so right on the bottle.

I’ve been enjoying Choc-Ola since first introduced to the delicious beverage by TV star Janie of “Popeye and Janie.” 

After a tough day in elementary school, I always liked to kick back with a cold bottle of Choc-Ola and watch Popeye cartoons. 

I loved sipping my Choc-Ola as I watched Popeye the Sailor Man wandering around the seaside town of Sweethaven in search of his long-lost pappy. Popeye would swallow an entire can of spinach and beat the town bully Bluto to a pulp. Popeye and his girlfriend, Olive Oyl, were raising an orphan baby named Sweet Pea. 

I never understood where the odd character from another planet always referred to “Jeep” fit into the plot. Sometimes Jeep would…

Excuse me, I somehow seemed to have segued into some pointless childhood memory. Let’s get back to the cows.

Fortified with cow-themed snacks and Choc-Ola, I made my way out to the pasture where I found Bruce and Shoshanna talking to prospective customers. Most of those at Cow-Palooza were there to buy a cow but some already had their own cow.  They were interested in Bruce and Shoshanna’s prize bull, “Longest Yard” to make some award-winning baby cows.

I just had time to snap a photo of Bruce and Shoshanna (photo) for this column when a group of bovine connoisseurs from Purdue University arrived.

I made an Irish exit and went over to check out that prize bull. I kept my distance. I wasn’t sure Longest Yard liked me. Maybe it was my red bow tie. 

Sitting there on a bale of straw was Von England, Jordan’s son.  Picture a grade-school version of rodeo star Perce Howland, played by Montgomery Clift in “The Misfits” with a touch of Jet Rink, the cowboy played by James Dean in “Giant.” 

Von was dressed the part and sporting a huge belt buckle like those awarded to cowboys who can stay on a bull for eight seconds.

Von asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on Longest Yard. I explained to Von that I have a lucky pair of chaps I always wear when bull riding and, unfortunately, I left them at home. 

Von and I headed back to the hospitality barn. I stocked up on a couple of boxes of Milk Duds and a package of Malted Milk Balls for the ride back to Shelbyville.

As I walked toward my Schwinn, I heard Von tell his sisters, “I doubt if that guy even owns a pair of chaps.” 

 See you all next week, same Schwinn time, same Schwinn channel.